Writer's Block

It isn't that I forgot about my blog. It isn't that I didn't want to write. I have been looking at the page everyday. However, I have found myself at a loss for words lately.

I've been dealing with things since the summer - things that I just don't understand. Why does an 18-year old so full of potential have to have her life cut short? Why does an innocent 3-year old have to have her cancer return? I've been angry and confused and mad. Yes, mad.

I know that a blog can be a place to work these things out but I just couldn't. Then I realized that no matter how much I tried, there would never be an answer that would satisfy. I would never know why these things happen. I can ask "Why, God?" every day but there won't be anything that will make me truly understand. Not in this life, anyways.

I started reading The Last Lecture. My husband bought this book for me months ago and the only reason I chose the other morning to start reading it was because I couldn't find the other book I was reading (it was buried in a pile of papers). Here is a man that had every right to be mad and question and give up. But he didn't. He chose to squeeze every drop of living out of what he had been given. It is a wonderful poignant discourse - if you haven't read it yet, go get it and read it!

It is how we look at things that can make the difference. That doesn't mean dismissing anything. It just means trying to find the joy in spite of the sorrow. Not easy, by any means. There is a quote on the inside flap of the jacket of the book: "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand." --Randy Pausch

I admit, I've been folding my cards lately. But I am learning that I need to stay in the game. I need to risk before I can gain. I need to have faith and acceptance that I will not know all the answers. And I need to know that that is okay.

I am off to make pancakes for my kids - and at Randy's advice, they won't be round. They don't need to be round. Who decided that anyways? It is Thanksgiving weekend. I am truly grateful for my family and my children, who will help ensure that our pancakes are never round again.

Life Off Of Auto-Pilot

As you may or may not know, I joined Weight Watchers 10 weeks ago (on a side note, I've lost 16 pounds and feel great!). I have had more than one person ask me why I joined - I was never that heavy. While that may be true, I have know for a long time that I have had some destructive habits when it comes to my relationship with food. It had gotten to the point where if I hadn't asked for help, I would have watched my weight spiral. I was heavier than I ever had been and I made alot of bad choices when it came to eating.

When I joined and started tracking what I ate, I found that I had to be much more conscious about what was going in my cake-hole. I had to plan and think ahead. No more auto-pilot. I remember one evening shortly after starting, we were at Freckle's year-end piano recital and afterward there were desserts and snacks out for people to eat. I looked around the room and watched as people mindlessly filled their faces.

Now, don't get me wrong. I have nothing against dessert! I had pie twice last week! However, it drew parallels for me as to how we live our lives. Auto-pilot. Reactionary. Buy now, pay later.

I wrote earlier in a post about switching to a cash-only system. This was taking control of another area of our lives that also operated on a non-thinking system for the most part. Ooo - I like that so I'll buy it. No planning, no control. Now I have a grocery budget and a meal plan in tow when I head to the store and we are much happier.

The more areas of our lives that we can take back the reigns, the better. There are small and simple steps we can take each day in whatever arena needs attention.

Weight? Start writing down what you eat or eliminate one bad habit now.
Money? Move to a cash-only system. It is truly the best way to see where your money actually goes.
Time? Do a to-do list and stick to it. Don't overwhelm yourself with 50 items. Make it achievable and enjoy the feeling of checking things off.
Personal time? Schedule it in. That's right - mark it on the calendar as "me-time" and don't make any other plans. Make it as high a priority as any other appointment. If you had a doctor's visit scheduled, you wouldn't choose not to go because there was too much laundry. Treat yourself with the same importance!
Cooking? Make a meal plan for the week - this will actually overflow into several arenas - you'll save time, money and end up eating healthier! Check out Sandi Richard's books if you need help. These are great books with family-friendly recipes that are easy to prepare.

Take control of your life. You are not a zombie or a robot so don't act like one. Don't let emotions or lack-of-planning control your day. Feel how it feels to soar with the controls in your hand. Trust me, life is much better in the driver's seat!

Symantecs

On more than one occasion, Freckles has asked me "Are we rich?" My answer without hesitation is always yes. Then, of course I ask her what prompted her question. It usually has to do with "stuff".

So, I ask her what that means - being rich. Again, it often comes back to the acquisition of things. However, in my experience, "stuff" has very little to do with being rich.

I have little signs posted in my house that say "Today I choose to be wealthy." It is a choice. I experience the richness of my family. I experience the wealth of being together. I experience the fullness of giving to others.

Could I buy a new car? Of course. Could we live in a bigger house? Sure. We have the money and the credit. But it is a choice. If we choose to take on a car payment, it is at the expense of other things. If we choose to live in a bigger house, it would mean leaving it less often to go on vacation together as a family.

We have found that what is important is each other. It is the time spent together. When we choose to have an attitude of wealth, then abundance flows. We are very rich, indeed! We have everything we need at any given moment and so many luxuries as well.

It's just symantecs. How you define riches will determine your focus. Let your days be filled with the abundance of time spent together with those you love. Share with those around you. Find 10 things this moment you can be grateful for and express that gratitude joyfully.

Learning how to cry is the hardest part

There are some things in this life that will never make sense. I can't even try to understand because it causes me to break down. Language seems like such an insignificant form of expression when the heart is aching, welling up inside. I just don't get it. I don't understand why.

Mikelle, I will miss seeing you turn into the beautiful woman you were destined to be. I will miss seeing the photos you were yet to take, the songs you were yet to play. I will miss watching you discover your true potential because I saw greatness in you just waiting to burst out and shine. You will forever be missed.



These fleeting charms of earth
Farewell, your springs of joy are dry
My soul now seeks another home
A brighter world on high

I'm a long time travelling here below
I'm a long time travelling away from home
I'm a long time travelling here below
To lay this body down

Farewell kind friends whose tender care
Has long engaged my love
Your fond embrace I now exchange
For better friends above

I'm a long time travelling here below
I'm a long time travelling away from home
I'm a long time travelling here below
To lay this body down...

(Long Time Traveller by Wailin' Jennys)

Cutting Corners

The kids were gone all last week so I took it upon myself to repaint their rooms. What a great idea! I have done my fair share of painting so I know that I always start off very excited about the prospect and there is nothing quite like seeing that first brush of colour on the wall.

However, I also know that I usually tire of the project around midnight when I am covered in paint and longing for my pillow. So there I was at about 1 AM in Freckles' closet trimming the ceiling, thinking to myself, "No one is ever going to look up in here..." The temptation was strong to just skip it and get to bed.

I was however reminded of Frederic Auguste Bartholdi (must have been the paint fumes). Who is he, you ask? He is the sculptor of the Statue of Liberty. I heard a fascinating story about the painstaking detail he took on the statue, including her hair. Here's the thing: the Statue of Liberty was erected in 1884. Airplane flight was not something that had been conceived of. So no one would ever see the top of the head. And yet, he took great pride in every facet of that statue, regardless of who would see it, or not see it for that matter.

So, yes, I realize the inside of a closet doesn't quite compare to an historic monument but the principle is the same. How do we apply ourselves when no one is watching? The definition of integrity is what we do when no one is watching. Oh, the cobwebs we sweep under the bed!

I will try my best to pay attention to the details because it is in the small things that the difference between average and greatness can be found.

Before You Judge Me, Try Hard to Love Me

Those are lyrics from Childhood.

When I was a young girl, I was a figure skater. I was at the arena pretty much every day after school. I remember one day, a day like any other, one of my skating buddies asked me if I had the new Michael Jackson album. I said "Who's that?" She couldn't believe I hadn't heard of him. She told me how cool he was and my response was, "Is he white?"

I have always remembered that day and I will probably always remember yesterday. I was picking Freckles up from her last day of school and we were driving home. I turned on the radio and they were playing Thriller. I turned it up and we were all doing the car dance (the one where just your upper body moves because you are strapped in your seat). We were happy and smiling and then the announcer came on and said that he had died.

I was, like everyone else, in disbelief. I didn't know what to think. I was kind of sad but wasn't sure if that was overreacting. Over the last day and a half, I have heard so much of his music on the radio and have realized, no, I'm not overreacting. This is a big deal. He was an icon for my generation. His songs were anthems of my childhood. Thriller was the first cassette I bought with my allowance.

As I look at all the controversy that surrounded him in the latter part of his life, all I can think of is how we saw a man who really needed help but never got it. We don't know what was going on with him but we do know that he was thrust into the spotlight at a very early age and stayed there ever since.

So I am allowing myself to get misty-eyed and watch all the news and entertainment shows. I feel that a part of my childhood has passed into legend and I am sad. I choose to remember the Michael Jackson that rocked my teenage world.

This morning on the radio, one of the announcers paid tribute to him and I have to quote him because I think he really got it right. This is from C.R. Nichols from Joe FM:

"There is a sweet joy in his music that he never seemed to find in his life...You can never escape when the person chasing you is you...We remember what we want to remember and we so very much want to remember that magical man that set our hearts and our feet dancing decades ago when we were young."

An Ode to My Dad

Once there sat a big brown chair. This chair was not filled with stuffing but with memories. It was filled with stories told every night while a little girl and her dad sat in the chair. It was filled with popcorn from movies watched together. It was filled with grape pop, which the little girl was careful not to backwash! It was filled with spaghetti and meatballs, which was the dad's specialty. It was filled with spruce tree needles from the many trips out into the forest to select the perfect Christmas tree.

As the little girl got bigger, she decided she didn't need the chair anymore. She grew up, moved away and started a family of her own. But there was always a longing to get back to the chair. Now, she has a little girl of her own who fits perfectly into the chair with her Pappa. It is a new chair, red not brown. But the stuffing in it is being replaced. It won't be long until it, too, is stuffed with memories.

The girl now smiles as she watches herself in her daughter, curled up with her Pappa for a bedtime story. She wants to say thanks to her dad, who has always loved her even when she didn't love herself. She wants to thank him for always making room in the chair for her, even when she was supposed to be in bed.

Thanks Dad. I love you.