Sunday, October 11, 2009

Writer's Block

It isn't that I forgot about my blog. It isn't that I didn't want to write. I have been looking at the page everyday. However, I have found myself at a loss for words lately.

I've been dealing with things since the summer - things that I just don't understand. Why does an 18-year old so full of potential have to have her life cut short? Why does an innocent 3-year old have to have her cancer return? I've been angry and confused and mad. Yes, mad.

I know that a blog can be a place to work these things out but I just couldn't. Then I realized that no matter how much I tried, there would never be an answer that would satisfy. I would never know why these things happen. I can ask "Why, God?" every day but there won't be anything that will make me truly understand. Not in this life, anyways.

I started reading The Last Lecture. My husband bought this book for me months ago and the only reason I chose the other morning to start reading it was because I couldn't find the other book I was reading (it was buried in a pile of papers). Here is a man that had every right to be mad and question and give up. But he didn't. He chose to squeeze every drop of living out of what he had been given. It is a wonderful poignant discourse - if you haven't read it yet, go get it and read it!

It is how we look at things that can make the difference. That doesn't mean dismissing anything. It just means trying to find the joy in spite of the sorrow. Not easy, by any means. There is a quote on the inside flap of the jacket of the book: "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand." --Randy Pausch

I admit, I've been folding my cards lately. But I am learning that I need to stay in the game. I need to risk before I can gain. I need to have faith and acceptance that I will not know all the answers. And I need to know that that is okay.

I am off to make pancakes for my kids - and at Randy's advice, they won't be round. They don't need to be round. Who decided that anyways? It is Thanksgiving weekend. I am truly grateful for my family and my children, who will help ensure that our pancakes are never round again.