It isn't that I forgot about my blog. It isn't that I didn't want to write. I have been looking at the page everyday. However, I have found myself at a loss for words lately.
I've been dealing with things since the summer - things that I just don't understand. Why does an 18-year old so full of potential have to have her life cut short? Why does an innocent 3-year old have to have her cancer return? I've been angry and confused and mad. Yes, mad.
I know that a blog can be a place to work these things out but I just couldn't. Then I realized that no matter how much I tried, there would never be an answer that would satisfy. I would never know why these things happen. I can ask "Why, God?" every day but there won't be anything that will make me truly understand. Not in this life, anyways.
I started reading The Last Lecture. My husband bought this book for me months ago and the only reason I chose the other morning to start reading it was because I couldn't find the other book I was reading (it was buried in a pile of papers). Here is a man that had every right to be mad and question and give up. But he didn't. He chose to squeeze every drop of living out of what he had been given. It is a wonderful poignant discourse - if you haven't read it yet, go get it and read it!
It is how we look at things that can make the difference. That doesn't mean dismissing anything. It just means trying to find the joy in spite of the sorrow. Not easy, by any means. There is a quote on the inside flap of the jacket of the book: "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand." --Randy Pausch
I admit, I've been folding my cards lately. But I am learning that I need to stay in the game. I need to risk before I can gain. I need to have faith and acceptance that I will not know all the answers. And I need to know that that is okay.
I am off to make pancakes for my kids - and at Randy's advice, they won't be round. They don't need to be round. Who decided that anyways? It is Thanksgiving weekend. I am truly grateful for my family and my children, who will help ensure that our pancakes are never round again.
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2 comments:
We've had that kind of year, too. It's so hard to understand why young moms have to die of cancer?? Why do kids have to struggle with learning?? Why do babies have crazy diseases that can't even be diagnosed? Why does a young dad get a debilitating disease and spend the last six years in bed instead of playing with his little boy?
I get that way with my blog... It's like if I can't think of anything good to say, why say anything at all?? But sometimes it's good to let it all out, I suppose??
Anyway, I feel for ya!
Miss you!
Emily
I hear ya. My blog ends up being my place for ranting...where I spew out thoughts and it seems to help me get my thoughts in line to go back to life and deal with them properly. I don't know if it's constructive for everyone who reads it, as it can be a bit negative at times, but I know it is the vent I need that allows me to deal with things properly without spewing off at others. To each their own.
And yes...sometimes you wonder why life deals thigns out. I was angry after th ecancer run, running for a family friend Shirley, who passed away a few years ago after supposedly beating cancer and leaving her husband behind. But then this weekend I saw him happy...he laughed and smiled and held the hand of the new lady he's come to care for and I realised that life has it's way of working things out and we may not always like it or understand it...but that there are always things to be grateful for.
I am so thankful to have my life together...family and my love near me. I will enjoy them now while they are here. I'll take it all :)
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